Love in the time of Swine

Viral infections are often untreatable if not caught in the early stages. However, when it comes to the love affair virus, which affects marriages on a global scale, it's hard to discern the incubation phase. When is it treatable? Does it have to run it's course? Can it be cured? Is it preventable?

Over the centuries this virus has morphed, adapted, and become resistant to all social, cultural, and moral norms. It has been a smoke screen for more important things -- from psychological stuff like deep seated self-worth issues to huge political controversies like how the Lewinsky scandal overshadowed Whitewater.

The media and now the social mediums from MySpace to Twitter are in on the act celebrating extramarital affairs. Fascinating viewers in Star Magazine fashion. Therefore, it shouldn't surprise anyone that we hear more about them. Sex sells. What we need to pay attention to; however, is that energy follows thought. It's the basis of Viral Marketing. Get people thinking or talking about a product, service, or idea and increase demand.

Once the desire is created in the mind [or whatever part the anatomy] our ego takes over justifying why that desire must, can, and should be met. Whatever it is, whether it's a pair of shoes, an ice cream, or an extramarital affair, the human brain is an expert at defending behaviors. Chemicals release to add an obsessive quality to the mix, like Oxytocin.

So it's normal, right? It's okay? If that's what you think then it is. Only you know the circumstances. No one can judge that but you. You are what you think. And you can choose how you want to use those synapses. Do consider that if what you think is a combination of what you watch, read, and the company you keep, your thoughts shift according to whatever you're"tuned in" to. You can control your thoughts, but most people don't.

Granted, committed relationships are messy. Unless you've been in one you really don't understand what you're committing to. Any time two people are put together for long periods of time there is going to be conflict. However, commitment like what deodorant you use is a choice. While conflicts, diminishing affections, disappointments, and rote patterns are all part of long-term commitment, how you choose to deal with them is up to you.

You can blame it on your spouse or committed partner. They're too fat, angry, or selfish. They're not pretty, handsome, or sexy enough. You can blame it on your children. Or blame it on stress at work. Blame it on anything you want. But when it comes down to it, it's your choice. Yes, there are abusive, damaging partnerships and other possible circumstances, but that's another story.

For the most part relationships are a gift to learn about ourselves. Many people refuse the lesson. Relatively good partnerships get destroyed, because instead of being patient with the wax and wane of love, at the first sign of trouble, one partner will leave for another and another and another and another hoping things will be different. What they discover is the dynamics of relationships never change. What must change is who they are when they're in them. Growing up and being a whole person is not the prerequisite; but it should be the goal. Two halves won't make a whole.

Learning how to communicate what we need and desire is half the battle. Being willing to listen to our partner's needs and desires is the other half. What's also important is that we have to grow beyond the 'greener pastures' idea. It's not better somewhere else. It's just different. Pushing through difficult stages in a relationship can be painful, but once we do, we get to the other side of love -to a deeper form of intimacy that never grows stale, because it is determined to evolve to keep us fulfilled.

Many people have asked me why I chose to write this article. After reading day in and day out news of someone else having an affair and the destruction it's caused, I wanted to explore the epidemic. Committed relationships have become an oxymoron and affairs metaphor for our existence. Now many would call me a bit of a commitmentphobe and find it funny I'd choose to write about the subject. I admit I have been, but that's because I know I missed the personal journey we all need to take before we commit. I married too early. (not according to standards according to development). I am divorced. I realized my part in its failure, but it was too late so ultimately didn't have much say in the matter. Many people don't. I understand that. It takes two - two whole people. True commitment means agreeing to go to the depths of love. It means seeing ourselves (the good, bad, and ugly) learning who we are in relation to the one we love (a person, who has just as many dreams, ambitions, ideas, hurts, and hopes as we do).

If we understood what committed relationships were really about we wouldn't be in such a hurry to get to the alter. We also might make different choices once we are in them. However, just as the media can shape our concept of affairs it can shape our ideas on commitment. Both ideas are warped. The media places these concepts in a fairy tale we all want to believe. Romance is a wonderful thing, but it will forever be a passing state until we become self-aware enough to be able to sustain it. Religions claim to have the answers, but I don't feel it's about that either; though no doubt religion has helped many couples stay committed. I also don't think it's about morals, though morals have gotten many couples through tough times. I truly believe it has to come from an evolution of personal consciousness.

If you are not ready for it or the one you love isn't, don't go there. No one should take commitment lightly. It is a serious experience. Yes, it can be a blast and the most beautiful thing in the world but there's a steep learning curve. Like being a parent, you have no choice but to grow. It's not for sissies. However, if we don't go there in our lifetime, I don't think we've fully fulfilled our mission here. Yes, I admit I'm a little task oriented. I like to think there's a reason we're here and it's mainly for the experience and evolution of consciousness we get from relationships with others. If that wasn't part of our purpose, we wouldn't be here as separate beings who have the ability to reflect, adapt, choose, and grow. We'd all be one mass of energy or something. I know there are many types of relationships and all good places to learn about union within a state of differentiation. The parent/child relationship is a huge evolutionary experience. But the intimate relationship creates the most profound shift, because it explores relationship at a deeper level (ego/individuation, power, desire) interacting through the energy of love. It's an energy we know for a fact has a capacity to do unbelievable things. My theory is that if we each do our part to raise human consciousness, our capacity to love will inevitably expand, so there's no telling what kind of magic we can create.