Anyone familiar with Iyengar Yoga knows that the process to becoming a Certified Iyengar Instructor is a long and meticulous one. The in-depth knowledge, care, and granular detail required in the instruction is second to none. As soon as I was introduced to Iyengar Yoga, I knew it was the kind of yoga I wanted to learn to teach. However, as a wannabe, I didn't have a clue what becoming an Iyengar instructor entailed. Yes, I read the Certification Manual, did Teacher Trainings, and talked to Certified Teachers; but the truth about what it is that really makes the process of becoming an Iyengar Yoga Instructor unique didn't come until I dove in heart and soul.
Before then it was lost on me. Why? Because I was approaching it like I approach everything: at top speed and with 400% effort. My approach doesn't get you very far in Iyengar Yoga. In fact, it can leave you exhausted, frustrated, and joyless. I will never forget my first workshop with Patricia Walden at Kripalu. Patricia is one of Iyengar's most Senior Instructors. Before the workshop even began, she sat us all down and asked one question. The question stuck with me. I wrote it down in my little red book so I could answer it later. The answer wasn't coming easily. Well, actually it was, but it wasn't the answer I thought it should be. She asked, "Does yoga give you joy?"
My immediate answer was no. Absolutely not. I found no joy in Iyengar Yoga. I found it cold and fragmented. It didn't give me a rote set of poses to master and repeat like some other styles of yoga, so I could basically check out from everything. It didn't give me music to get lost in like I had in ballet. It didn't give me a fancy image or role to play. In Iyengar Yoga, I had to be with myself. I had to face myself. Not the one reflected to me in a mirror. Not the one others saw. The one whose voice was talking to me incessantly from the inside.
Needless to say, my ego wanted to shut that voice out and take over the process. It thought it knew exactly how to go about learning to teach this Iyengar Yoga Method. It thought it knew how to get from A to B-- how to avoid facing myself and just get the technique down. Unfortunately, it was driving me in the wrong direction. It was pushing me and making me unsteady. It made me feel like a failure most of the time: mentally, physically, and emotionally. I got depressed. My ego wouldn't allow me to be where I was. It wanted me to be further along. I was experiencing the obstacle of Bhranti Dharsana or Missing The Point. It wasn't the first time and it won't be the last.
However, one of the many cool things about going through the Iyengar Certification Process is that you have a lot of people beside you helping you find the point for yourself - most importantly a Mentor and Recommending Teacher. No one can tell you the point, mind you. That is for you to discover. There's also no time limit for discovering it. It's a process and it's yours alone, whether that takes you three years or thirty. I am lucky to have a truly incredible Iyengar Community in Atlanta. I have also had the opportunity to expand my Iyengar Community outside of Atlanta. The inspiration and support from folks who have been or are in the process of various levels of Teacher Training like Sam Cooper, Stephanie Fox, Howison Hollenberg, Rachel Mathenia, Layla Newman, Chris O'Brien, and many others have been my saving grace.
My Mentor, Kathleen Pringle and owner of Stillwater Yoga in Midtown is a veteran Iyengar Instructor who travels around the globe year after year to assess, teach, train, and of course keep learning. Her dedication to teaching and exploring the Iyengar Method is profound; and the more I evolve in my practice the more I hear in her teaching.
You have to learn to listen carefully in Iyengar Yoga. BKS Iyengar spent a lifetime breaking down every pose to a cellular level. He explained and re-explained in many different ways the how-to of every asana in his Method. He dissected the art, science, and philosophy of the eight limbs of Astanga Yoga and why each limb is integral to the whole. Every word he wrote and spoke matters. It takes time to really appreciate that.
One of my teachers, Nancy Mau, who has a background as a lawyer continues to help me understand the value of really paying attention to why a word or phrase was chosen. Early on in my journey she was key to helping me understand what it was going to take to really learn the subtle nuances within the first level syllabus. I began by playing a CD over and over to learn to hear, vocalize and comprehend the Invocation to the sage Patanjali, who is credited for compiling the 196 Yoga Sutras (aphorisms that guide us through the process of yoga) and the Sanskrit base associated with the practice.
My Recommending Teacher, Kquvien DeWeese is another integral player on my path to becoming an Iyengar Instructor. She is able to share with great candor her journey thus far. She lives her yoga with incredible commitment and honesty. She breaks things down into digestible bits. She teaches me courage and faith. She takes me to my edge and shows me how to move beyond it fearlessly. "Learning to stay behind the chaos" are words that stay forever in my head. When Samsaya (doubt, indecision) Bhranti Darsana (false knowledge) Alabdha Bhumikatva (failure to attain continuity of thought or concentration so reality can't be seen) as well as Anavasthitattva (instability in holding on to concentration which has been attained after long practice) all want to take hold and build a wall that seems to keep me from moving forward -she gives me tips on how to breakthrough that wall, if only for a moment, and go "a smidgen" further.
With the breadth of knowledge offered by my Mentor and Recommending Teacher, as well as all my other great teachers and peers, I am still learning to assimilate everything that is being conveyed. It takes practice: Lots and lots of practice. As my Mentor, Kathleen has been a compassionate guide, but one who will never tell you exactly how you should approach the training process. Even though I have been very self propelled in other areas of my life, coming from a ballet background, I am not used to having a mind of my own in this arena. I am used to being told what to do. "Jump." "How high?". While the Iyengar Method is very distinctly directive. It teaches and encourages ultimate autonomy in the practice. Where you want to go and how far is really up to you. No one can take you there but you. Kathleen is an expert at teaching that fact. She teaches it by not dictating a certain process, but by encouraging you to use the tools at hand while allowing your personal process to emerge and flow in the exact manner that it should. That's a science. That's an art. That's yoga.
It was very frustrating for me at first. The tools at hand seemed to be inconsistent to me. Some books said one thing other books said another. Some teachers recommended this way. Others something entirely different. What was the right answer? Kathleen once again encouraged me to look and try to understand why the variations were there. Sometimes I would see why and other times I would just get a glimpse, but it was enough to help me move deeper into the process.
It took me a couple of years of Teacher Trainings to learn how my personal process was unfolding. At first, I thought I was just learning a new technique and a new language. I'd had a lot of experience doing that. I'd learned the Vaganava Method, The Cecchetti Method, The Royal Academy of Dance Method, and even Balanchine's Method of Ballet. I'd learned other styles of yoga, too. I thought I could learn the Iyengar Method of Yoga. But The Iyengar Method is different. I wasn't really learning a method. The Method was teaching me. It was teaching me how to learn in a whole new way. I was learning about myself and in doing so I was slowly becoming a better guide for others to learn. I was beginning to understand more about my muscles, my bones, my skin, my organs, my senses, my mind, and my spirit. Not in the working, doing or forcing of these aspects of myself, but in the observing, allowing, and often undoing of these elements which Kathleen, Kquvien, and another instructor, Steve Jacobson have helped me recognize. I didn't understand what was happening to me at first, but I knew something was. The Method was actually starting to make sense to me. I felt stronger, clearer, and more stable as each year went by.
Unfortunately, as it got closer to Assessment, I backslid big time (like a mud slide) into a sense of panic, confusion, and instability. I didn't think I was going to be able to push through it. In my discovery process something very old surfaced. It was a huge block that had been controlling me for longer than I wanted to admit. My first Mock Assessment was a disaster. My nerves went hay wire. They shut down my brain and blurred my eyes to the students in front of me. I felt over conscious of my inadequacies and the imagined disgust of the teachers who had volunteered to assess me. I was paralyzed with fear. The tears that followed were not coming from the adult me, but the girl who had been overwhelmed by the constant criticisms and pressures put on her as a young ballet dancer in a company with much older dancers. I had to heal this. There was no around it. The only way across was to go through it.
I was encouraged not to give up on myself. I have to admit I wanted to in a big way, then I happened upon a blog I'd written on the 95 reasons the Iyengar Yoga Method was worth it. I re-read it. I knew it was worth it to keep going. I'd written 95 reasons and now I could write even more. I couldn't give up on this --- I couldn't give up on myself. I decided to put more effort into allowing the Method to work on me through my personal training, my teacher trainings, apprenticeships with Kathleen and Kquvien, assisting in their classes, observing classes-- taking copious notes, questioning, videoing and recording myself, setting up more Mock Assessments in different studios like Stillwater Dunwoody and Studio 87 Yoga, reading and studying every free moment I could.
While giving my complete focus to what seemed very important to me on so many levels, I'd let my normal vocation slide and thus my finances were dwindling. To help offset the imbalance I'd created, a student and dear friend, Nora Winje offered her miles to help fly me to my Assessment destination: Urbana, Illinois. When the weekend finally arrived, I felt I'd truly done all I could do to prepare. Every Mock Assessment seemed like an artfully designed mind field of unique students. Each one allowed me to practice on my focus and my ability to synchronize my eyes, my voice, and my actions with all the clarity I could muster to guide them through the class. However, despite all my work, the question remained: had I done enough to heal my blocks and endure the trials of a process that was virtually unknown to me? I couldn't say for sure.
I went a day early to Urbana. It was a quaint college town with lots of charm. I wanted to take a class with Yoga Institute Champaign-Urbana studio owner, Lois Steinberg who was hosting the Assessment. I'd listened to her classes and had purchased one of her books at a recent convention. I was excited but very nervous to actually take one of her classes. Lois is a small woman with a commanding presence that is tempered by her wild mane, grace-filled demonstrations, and quick-witted sense of humor -- a sense of humor that came as welcomed comic relief over the course of a very intense weekend.
She began the class with chanting and a timely discussion on the Gunas. The gunas are the three qualities of our being in very basic terms these are as follows: Tamasic (Inert/heavy/earthy), Rajasic (Active/Volatile/Fiery) and Sattvic (Flowing/Balanced/Ethereal). She smiled and commented that we really don't need stress management as much as we need Guna Management. Understanding the subtle shifts of these powerful energies and how to use them in good measure to serve us in whatever endeavor we're embarking on is a big part of what yoga teaches us.
I knew I was innately very rajasic. I would tend to throw myself into asana, my eyes bugging out, teeth clenched, determined to force a perceived precision of action. However, that evening, during Lois's class, it became clear that my journey in this certification process had taken me to a new place within myself. I was calmer than I'd ever been. I was still determined and felt my usual rajasic qualities, but what was different was my awareness of them. I could step behind the potential chaos of them like Kquiven had encouraged and guide them to a better place. During class, I was corrected on a lot of things. Interestingly, I wasn't bothered by it.
The Iyengar Method had been teaching me to learn in a new way. It had been teaching to me to have a yogic mind -to hear and respect new information as just that - with no emotional or egoic attachment. Lois's corrections were not meant to throw me off balance or hurt my feelings. They were simply refinements and adjustments. They were observations from someone I hadn't taken a class from before. It didn't bruise my ego to hear the corrections or what I would normally deem as criticisms. I simply took in the new knowledge and integrated it into my practice. I learned a lot of new things. How cool is that?
I knew I was not the same person I was when I started this Method. Granted, that knowledge didn't keep all the nerves at bay. As the Assessment Days approached, 13 of us came together humble in our knowledge of all the worked we'd done to get to this place, so support, kindness and compassion prevailed. A demonstration of specific Pranayama (breath regulation practices), a timed written test, and a demonstration of 32 poses as specified on our level syllabus was before us on Friday. On Saturday or Sunday a timed teaching sequence to be taught to a class of level 1 students in front of three Assessors: Lois Steinberg, Lou Hoyt, and Randy Just. All of these elements put major pressure on our nerves and our bladders. The bathroom doors were swinging opened and closed so many times we all got a giggle out of it. But having our nerves activated like that was part of it.
The Iyengar Yoga Method and in particular the Certification Process teaches you how to deal with the high pressures of life. It gets you ready by putting you in a percolating room designed specifically to bring you to your boiling point. Pass or fail - you move through a threshhold in your being and BKS Iyengar knew you would. No matter what happens, and so many things can happen - the Assessment Process takes you to a place that you've never been before and you change as a result. Some of our failures externally lead us to our biggest successes internally. I believe Iyengar knew all of this. Despite my incessantly pleas asking him in my mind again and again, WHY DO WE HAVE TO DO ALL OF THIS? He knew. He knew that no matter what happened, we'd learn...we'd change...we'd transform.
It happened to me. The scariest part of the Assessment became the part that changed me the most that day. I wasn't worried about the Assessors. I just wanted to be with the students. I'd worked so hard to begin to understand and experience the transformational power of this Method. I'd practiced my particular poses from 4:30 AM to my teaching time. I knew the asanas I was teaching. By the time I got in the room with the students, something shifted inside me. Not to say I didn't make mistakes, I did. However, something bigger happened. I found the joy of yoga. The joy of feeling present with myself (if only for a moment) in body, mind and spirit. The joy of feeling present with others having developed some skills to share with them a really awesome Method of learning about ourselves. As Howison Hollenberg said to me after I told her about my experience, "Yes, we break ourselves wide open and step out of our old skin and emerge brand spanking new!"
Once you pass through one threshhold, there is another and another. I have a long to way to go. I have put in a lot of work like so many of my admired peers and I have a lot of work ahead of me. I don't even have a fingernail hold on the bliss BKS Iyengar found in his practice and teaching. But my perspective on the journey he so carefully designed has changed and I like the view. I will backslide. I will feel I can't do this anymore. I will question and incessantly ask Iyengar in my mind, "WHY DO WE HAVE TO DO THIS?" again and again. I may fail a lot. However, I will have the support of an incredible community of highly intelligent and compassionate people. And I hope with all hope that I will keep going and trusting in Iyengar's Method and the amazing unfolding, uncovering, undoing, and unknotting that must happen before we can pull it all together in 'beautiful synchronicity' and actually begin to feel the joy of what the Union in Yoga is really all about.
Namaste.
There are so many people who take part in helping us get wherever we are going. Needless to say, I am so grateful for the ongoing support of my peers, training buddy, Layla, my teachers, my Mentor, Kathleen and Recommending Teacher, Kquvien; as well as the Assessors and students who volunteer their time to make this Assessment Process possible. I also want to say Thank You to some other folks who have helped me get to this first stage of my journey: To Robert Joiner and Angela Campbell whose love and appreciation of this path rubbed off on me. To Holly Sasnett for always reminding me who I am and being my yoga buddy on many a workshop and convention. To Patricia Russell for believing in me and providing students to teach. To students like Ben Hall, Stacie Rose, Judy Schwarz, Sophia Terranova, and Anita & Nora Winje who keep teaching me so much. To Alice Franklin and Dennis Hawk and all my meditation buddies for continuing to guide me on my meditative path of self-discovery. To Ardent Hollingsworth & Marcene Powell for their ongoing sage advice. To Kalpana Murthy for her long friendship and Geniune Connection support. To Kathy Price Koenigsberg and Donna Moresco for allowing me to teach in their studio and give me useful advice and feedback. To Tracy Sharpe and Polly Sattler for giving me perspective when I needed it. To all my coffee buddies who I know are tired of hearing about yoga but let me keep talking about it anyway. To my family who still think I'm a bit crazy for enduring all of this, but love and support me in a big way. To my son, Cole who has listened to directions and practiced many an asana with me to help me clarify my words. To Rusty Cobb who despite stresses on his own journey continues to be my grounding wire. And to BKS Iyengar for sharing his words, his light, and his joy.
Before then it was lost on me. Why? Because I was approaching it like I approach everything: at top speed and with 400% effort. My approach doesn't get you very far in Iyengar Yoga. In fact, it can leave you exhausted, frustrated, and joyless. I will never forget my first workshop with Patricia Walden at Kripalu. Patricia is one of Iyengar's most Senior Instructors. Before the workshop even began, she sat us all down and asked one question. The question stuck with me. I wrote it down in my little red book so I could answer it later. The answer wasn't coming easily. Well, actually it was, but it wasn't the answer I thought it should be. She asked, "Does yoga give you joy?"
My immediate answer was no. Absolutely not. I found no joy in Iyengar Yoga. I found it cold and fragmented. It didn't give me a rote set of poses to master and repeat like some other styles of yoga, so I could basically check out from everything. It didn't give me music to get lost in like I had in ballet. It didn't give me a fancy image or role to play. In Iyengar Yoga, I had to be with myself. I had to face myself. Not the one reflected to me in a mirror. Not the one others saw. The one whose voice was talking to me incessantly from the inside.
Needless to say, my ego wanted to shut that voice out and take over the process. It thought it knew exactly how to go about learning to teach this Iyengar Yoga Method. It thought it knew how to get from A to B-- how to avoid facing myself and just get the technique down. Unfortunately, it was driving me in the wrong direction. It was pushing me and making me unsteady. It made me feel like a failure most of the time: mentally, physically, and emotionally. I got depressed. My ego wouldn't allow me to be where I was. It wanted me to be further along. I was experiencing the obstacle of Bhranti Dharsana or Missing The Point. It wasn't the first time and it won't be the last.
However, one of the many cool things about going through the Iyengar Certification Process is that you have a lot of people beside you helping you find the point for yourself - most importantly a Mentor and Recommending Teacher. No one can tell you the point, mind you. That is for you to discover. There's also no time limit for discovering it. It's a process and it's yours alone, whether that takes you three years or thirty. I am lucky to have a truly incredible Iyengar Community in Atlanta. I have also had the opportunity to expand my Iyengar Community outside of Atlanta. The inspiration and support from folks who have been or are in the process of various levels of Teacher Training like Sam Cooper, Stephanie Fox, Howison Hollenberg, Rachel Mathenia, Layla Newman, Chris O'Brien, and many others have been my saving grace.
My Mentor, Kathleen Pringle and owner of Stillwater Yoga in Midtown is a veteran Iyengar Instructor who travels around the globe year after year to assess, teach, train, and of course keep learning. Her dedication to teaching and exploring the Iyengar Method is profound; and the more I evolve in my practice the more I hear in her teaching.
You have to learn to listen carefully in Iyengar Yoga. BKS Iyengar spent a lifetime breaking down every pose to a cellular level. He explained and re-explained in many different ways the how-to of every asana in his Method. He dissected the art, science, and philosophy of the eight limbs of Astanga Yoga and why each limb is integral to the whole. Every word he wrote and spoke matters. It takes time to really appreciate that.
One of my teachers, Nancy Mau, who has a background as a lawyer continues to help me understand the value of really paying attention to why a word or phrase was chosen. Early on in my journey she was key to helping me understand what it was going to take to really learn the subtle nuances within the first level syllabus. I began by playing a CD over and over to learn to hear, vocalize and comprehend the Invocation to the sage Patanjali, who is credited for compiling the 196 Yoga Sutras (aphorisms that guide us through the process of yoga) and the Sanskrit base associated with the practice.
My Recommending Teacher, Kquvien DeWeese is another integral player on my path to becoming an Iyengar Instructor. She is able to share with great candor her journey thus far. She lives her yoga with incredible commitment and honesty. She breaks things down into digestible bits. She teaches me courage and faith. She takes me to my edge and shows me how to move beyond it fearlessly. "Learning to stay behind the chaos" are words that stay forever in my head. When Samsaya (doubt, indecision) Bhranti Darsana (false knowledge) Alabdha Bhumikatva (failure to attain continuity of thought or concentration so reality can't be seen) as well as Anavasthitattva (instability in holding on to concentration which has been attained after long practice) all want to take hold and build a wall that seems to keep me from moving forward -she gives me tips on how to breakthrough that wall, if only for a moment, and go "a smidgen" further.
With the breadth of knowledge offered by my Mentor and Recommending Teacher, as well as all my other great teachers and peers, I am still learning to assimilate everything that is being conveyed. It takes practice: Lots and lots of practice. As my Mentor, Kathleen has been a compassionate guide, but one who will never tell you exactly how you should approach the training process. Even though I have been very self propelled in other areas of my life, coming from a ballet background, I am not used to having a mind of my own in this arena. I am used to being told what to do. "Jump." "How high?". While the Iyengar Method is very distinctly directive. It teaches and encourages ultimate autonomy in the practice. Where you want to go and how far is really up to you. No one can take you there but you. Kathleen is an expert at teaching that fact. She teaches it by not dictating a certain process, but by encouraging you to use the tools at hand while allowing your personal process to emerge and flow in the exact manner that it should. That's a science. That's an art. That's yoga.
It was very frustrating for me at first. The tools at hand seemed to be inconsistent to me. Some books said one thing other books said another. Some teachers recommended this way. Others something entirely different. What was the right answer? Kathleen once again encouraged me to look and try to understand why the variations were there. Sometimes I would see why and other times I would just get a glimpse, but it was enough to help me move deeper into the process.
It took me a couple of years of Teacher Trainings to learn how my personal process was unfolding. At first, I thought I was just learning a new technique and a new language. I'd had a lot of experience doing that. I'd learned the Vaganava Method, The Cecchetti Method, The Royal Academy of Dance Method, and even Balanchine's Method of Ballet. I'd learned other styles of yoga, too. I thought I could learn the Iyengar Method of Yoga. But The Iyengar Method is different. I wasn't really learning a method. The Method was teaching me. It was teaching me how to learn in a whole new way. I was learning about myself and in doing so I was slowly becoming a better guide for others to learn. I was beginning to understand more about my muscles, my bones, my skin, my organs, my senses, my mind, and my spirit. Not in the working, doing or forcing of these aspects of myself, but in the observing, allowing, and often undoing of these elements which Kathleen, Kquvien, and another instructor, Steve Jacobson have helped me recognize. I didn't understand what was happening to me at first, but I knew something was. The Method was actually starting to make sense to me. I felt stronger, clearer, and more stable as each year went by.
Unfortunately, as it got closer to Assessment, I backslid big time (like a mud slide) into a sense of panic, confusion, and instability. I didn't think I was going to be able to push through it. In my discovery process something very old surfaced. It was a huge block that had been controlling me for longer than I wanted to admit. My first Mock Assessment was a disaster. My nerves went hay wire. They shut down my brain and blurred my eyes to the students in front of me. I felt over conscious of my inadequacies and the imagined disgust of the teachers who had volunteered to assess me. I was paralyzed with fear. The tears that followed were not coming from the adult me, but the girl who had been overwhelmed by the constant criticisms and pressures put on her as a young ballet dancer in a company with much older dancers. I had to heal this. There was no around it. The only way across was to go through it.
I was encouraged not to give up on myself. I have to admit I wanted to in a big way, then I happened upon a blog I'd written on the 95 reasons the Iyengar Yoga Method was worth it. I re-read it. I knew it was worth it to keep going. I'd written 95 reasons and now I could write even more. I couldn't give up on this --- I couldn't give up on myself. I decided to put more effort into allowing the Method to work on me through my personal training, my teacher trainings, apprenticeships with Kathleen and Kquvien, assisting in their classes, observing classes-- taking copious notes, questioning, videoing and recording myself, setting up more Mock Assessments in different studios like Stillwater Dunwoody and Studio 87 Yoga, reading and studying every free moment I could.
While giving my complete focus to what seemed very important to me on so many levels, I'd let my normal vocation slide and thus my finances were dwindling. To help offset the imbalance I'd created, a student and dear friend, Nora Winje offered her miles to help fly me to my Assessment destination: Urbana, Illinois. When the weekend finally arrived, I felt I'd truly done all I could do to prepare. Every Mock Assessment seemed like an artfully designed mind field of unique students. Each one allowed me to practice on my focus and my ability to synchronize my eyes, my voice, and my actions with all the clarity I could muster to guide them through the class. However, despite all my work, the question remained: had I done enough to heal my blocks and endure the trials of a process that was virtually unknown to me? I couldn't say for sure.
I went a day early to Urbana. It was a quaint college town with lots of charm. I wanted to take a class with Yoga Institute Champaign-Urbana studio owner, Lois Steinberg who was hosting the Assessment. I'd listened to her classes and had purchased one of her books at a recent convention. I was excited but very nervous to actually take one of her classes. Lois is a small woman with a commanding presence that is tempered by her wild mane, grace-filled demonstrations, and quick-witted sense of humor -- a sense of humor that came as welcomed comic relief over the course of a very intense weekend.
She began the class with chanting and a timely discussion on the Gunas. The gunas are the three qualities of our being in very basic terms these are as follows: Tamasic (Inert/heavy/earthy), Rajasic (Active/Volatile/Fiery) and Sattvic (Flowing/Balanced/Ethereal). She smiled and commented that we really don't need stress management as much as we need Guna Management. Understanding the subtle shifts of these powerful energies and how to use them in good measure to serve us in whatever endeavor we're embarking on is a big part of what yoga teaches us.
I knew I was innately very rajasic. I would tend to throw myself into asana, my eyes bugging out, teeth clenched, determined to force a perceived precision of action. However, that evening, during Lois's class, it became clear that my journey in this certification process had taken me to a new place within myself. I was calmer than I'd ever been. I was still determined and felt my usual rajasic qualities, but what was different was my awareness of them. I could step behind the potential chaos of them like Kquiven had encouraged and guide them to a better place. During class, I was corrected on a lot of things. Interestingly, I wasn't bothered by it.
The Iyengar Method had been teaching me to learn in a new way. It had been teaching to me to have a yogic mind -to hear and respect new information as just that - with no emotional or egoic attachment. Lois's corrections were not meant to throw me off balance or hurt my feelings. They were simply refinements and adjustments. They were observations from someone I hadn't taken a class from before. It didn't bruise my ego to hear the corrections or what I would normally deem as criticisms. I simply took in the new knowledge and integrated it into my practice. I learned a lot of new things. How cool is that?
I knew I was not the same person I was when I started this Method. Granted, that knowledge didn't keep all the nerves at bay. As the Assessment Days approached, 13 of us came together humble in our knowledge of all the worked we'd done to get to this place, so support, kindness and compassion prevailed. A demonstration of specific Pranayama (breath regulation practices), a timed written test, and a demonstration of 32 poses as specified on our level syllabus was before us on Friday. On Saturday or Sunday a timed teaching sequence to be taught to a class of level 1 students in front of three Assessors: Lois Steinberg, Lou Hoyt, and Randy Just. All of these elements put major pressure on our nerves and our bladders. The bathroom doors were swinging opened and closed so many times we all got a giggle out of it. But having our nerves activated like that was part of it.
The Iyengar Yoga Method and in particular the Certification Process teaches you how to deal with the high pressures of life. It gets you ready by putting you in a percolating room designed specifically to bring you to your boiling point. Pass or fail - you move through a threshhold in your being and BKS Iyengar knew you would. No matter what happens, and so many things can happen - the Assessment Process takes you to a place that you've never been before and you change as a result. Some of our failures externally lead us to our biggest successes internally. I believe Iyengar knew all of this. Despite my incessantly pleas asking him in my mind again and again, WHY DO WE HAVE TO DO ALL OF THIS? He knew. He knew that no matter what happened, we'd learn...we'd change...we'd transform.
It happened to me. The scariest part of the Assessment became the part that changed me the most that day. I wasn't worried about the Assessors. I just wanted to be with the students. I'd worked so hard to begin to understand and experience the transformational power of this Method. I'd practiced my particular poses from 4:30 AM to my teaching time. I knew the asanas I was teaching. By the time I got in the room with the students, something shifted inside me. Not to say I didn't make mistakes, I did. However, something bigger happened. I found the joy of yoga. The joy of feeling present with myself (if only for a moment) in body, mind and spirit. The joy of feeling present with others having developed some skills to share with them a really awesome Method of learning about ourselves. As Howison Hollenberg said to me after I told her about my experience, "Yes, we break ourselves wide open and step out of our old skin and emerge brand spanking new!"
Once you pass through one threshhold, there is another and another. I have a long to way to go. I have put in a lot of work like so many of my admired peers and I have a lot of work ahead of me. I don't even have a fingernail hold on the bliss BKS Iyengar found in his practice and teaching. But my perspective on the journey he so carefully designed has changed and I like the view. I will backslide. I will feel I can't do this anymore. I will question and incessantly ask Iyengar in my mind, "WHY DO WE HAVE TO DO THIS?" again and again. I may fail a lot. However, I will have the support of an incredible community of highly intelligent and compassionate people. And I hope with all hope that I will keep going and trusting in Iyengar's Method and the amazing unfolding, uncovering, undoing, and unknotting that must happen before we can pull it all together in 'beautiful synchronicity' and actually begin to feel the joy of what the Union in Yoga is really all about.
Namaste.
There are so many people who take part in helping us get wherever we are going. Needless to say, I am so grateful for the ongoing support of my peers, training buddy, Layla, my teachers, my Mentor, Kathleen and Recommending Teacher, Kquvien; as well as the Assessors and students who volunteer their time to make this Assessment Process possible. I also want to say Thank You to some other folks who have helped me get to this first stage of my journey: To Robert Joiner and Angela Campbell whose love and appreciation of this path rubbed off on me. To Holly Sasnett for always reminding me who I am and being my yoga buddy on many a workshop and convention. To Patricia Russell for believing in me and providing students to teach. To students like Ben Hall, Stacie Rose, Judy Schwarz, Sophia Terranova, and Anita & Nora Winje who keep teaching me so much. To Alice Franklin and Dennis Hawk and all my meditation buddies for continuing to guide me on my meditative path of self-discovery. To Ardent Hollingsworth & Marcene Powell for their ongoing sage advice. To Kalpana Murthy for her long friendship and Geniune Connection support. To Kathy Price Koenigsberg and Donna Moresco for allowing me to teach in their studio and give me useful advice and feedback. To Tracy Sharpe and Polly Sattler for giving me perspective when I needed it. To all my coffee buddies who I know are tired of hearing about yoga but let me keep talking about it anyway. To my family who still think I'm a bit crazy for enduring all of this, but love and support me in a big way. To my son, Cole who has listened to directions and practiced many an asana with me to help me clarify my words. To Rusty Cobb who despite stresses on his own journey continues to be my grounding wire. And to BKS Iyengar for sharing his words, his light, and his joy.
2 comments:
Some amazing discoveries.
I know have "Learning to stay behind the chaos" posted to my monitor.
HM
Happy Birthday!!!
Some amazing discoveries.
I know have "Learning to stay behind the chaos" posted to my monitor.
HM
Happy Birthday!!!
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